There are days that I think I need to wear a sign that says- I have Endometriosis and cannot have kids, stop asking. Other days, God gives me more grace than that to handle the whole situation, and I can explain it all with a smile on my face. Fact is, for us, being in our 30's, married and NOT having kids really encourages others to ask why, when will you have kids? do you even want kids? what's the deal? And honestly, when I get asked that question, even if it's someone who I've known forever, it's like they just sucker punched me in the gut. Infertility is hard people! If I want to talk about it with you, I will, no need to poke and prod me- the doctors do that enough! :)
So, I thought I'd share a little infertility etiquette. Some folks may think they are problem solvers and mention certain things to you that the think you haven't thought of. Trust me, I have researched everything I could get my eyes on for thousands of hours over the course of 12 years, your suggestion is nice, but not needed. And I understand that once someone knows about your situation, they offer advice from a good place in their hearts. And for that I am thankful that they care. But just know that each statement brings back a flood of pain that we just didn't want to deal with at that moment. Here are some statements and or questions you really should keep to yourself:
God will bring you a baby when you're ready.... Yes, I know this. God and I have had many many many long conversations/pleads/begs/emotional outbursts/hissy-fits about this subject. I know.
Have you guys thought about adoption.... With my case, after the doctors seeing that the only way to give me my life back was a radical hysterectomy, me having my own child is out of the window and so of course we have thought about adoption- it's the only way we will get a kid.
Did you freeze your eggs... No, why- did you freeze yours? I mean come on, this is like asking a guy if his sperm is swimming good. Way too personal.
I'm pregnant! Yay! You can babysit any time you want!...We are happy about your pregnancy, we truly are, but no, babysitting your child will not make me feel any better about the fact that I don't have one. Thanks though. And be cautious in your words- I understand everyone is excited about it, but if that is the only topic of conversation for the duration of the pregnancy- I will not want to talk to you. It might be petty, but I don't think it's too much to ask for other topics in conversation at least half the time.
Just relax... it will happen when it's supposed to.... Did you just seriously tell me to relax? The old cave woman DNA tells us to have kids and nurture our family. You have that threatened or abolished and then have someone tell you to relax. Not gonna happen.
Just think, you'll be able to travel, have money, sleep late, do anything you want without kids!... Do not minimize the problem and please do not think, for one second, that I'd rather have all worldly possessions and opportunities instead of a child. Do I seem that shallow to you?
Maybe some people aren't meant to be parents...How cruel are you? Do you think God thinks I'm such a bad person that I can't be trusted with a child? Am I any worse than parents who abuse their children? Who sell them off to human traffickers? Don't you think God would've prevented the pregnancies in women who just planned on getting an abortion in the first place? Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God.
Don't make dumb jokes just because you don't know what to say... Don't joke about "Oh I'll donate sperm or eggs" I do not want your sperm or eggs! If you don't know what to say, just say something nice like, "I'll keep you in my prayers" and that's it. Change the subject!
You're so lucky you don't have to push a baby out/have swollen ankles/gain 50 pounds/be overly emotional...Don't complain about your pregnancy... Fact is, I'd trade places with you in a heart beat. Don't be inconsiderate.
Like I said before, infertility is hard. Unless you've been through it yourself, please don't tell me what we should or shouldn't be doing. I've never been and never will be pregnant so I won't order you around about your pregnancy. Deal? Deal.
And this may seem angry. Truth is, most women who have trouble with infertility are angry when others speak so nonchalantly about it! We have a daily battle with the Devil telling us this and that, we may have a pity party and cry about it, we may have jealousy issues at times, and many more bad things and thoughts because our hearts are breaking about this issue. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing God has a plan for my life. Maybe it's to raise awareness about Endometriosis, or to help a fellow gal through her surgeries and infertility issues, to offer comfort to who ever needs it- wife, husband, even friend to the couple with the infertility issues. And maybe it's God's plan that I don't pass this down to a daughter because honestly, knowing that I could pass Endometriosis down, would absolutely break my heart. There is no way on God's green earth that I would wish this on anyone, much less my own child.
There are millions of ladies going through infertility issues, all I ask is that you read over these and hopefully never say these to those ladies again. Be considerate, be truthful, but come from a place of God, put yourself in her shoes and choose your words carefully. Hey, sometimes we don't need words, just a hug will do!
Do me a huge favor, share this post anywhere and everywhere... let's get more awareness out there!